1 Year

Well the day finally arrived-Bennett turned 1 year old! I cannot believe it! We had an amazing Yo Gabba Gabba themed party, full of yummy food, bright colors, and a lot of friends. It was a fantastic day!!!

Bennett is so wonderful-I am loving this stage in his life more than I have all the others. He is so funny and has so much personality. He has been walking since he was 10 months old, so he is really good at it and can kind of even run. He enjoys his toy cars and balls and the simpler stuff like empty boxes and spatulas.

We go outside every night and let him drive his car. After a little driving, he is ready to get out and walk around in our driveway. He loves doing this every night. Bennett is now eating "big boy" food-basically, whatever we eat. Though I am happy with not always having to keep up with bottles, it is a little sad to let them go.

In summary, Bennett is the most amazing boy ever!!! I am desperately in love!

This Summer

A couple of posts ago, I was sharing my feelings about being a working mom. It was really a struggle for me, as all I wanted to do was stay at home with Bennett. I thought that I would be able to give up work so easily. I was elated for summer to come and get to be a stay at home mom-what I had wanted for so long. So you can imagine my surprise when I had what I wanted...and didn't like it.

I guess I should rephrase- I LOVE being home with Bennett and getting to see all he has done this summer. I have gotten to see him crawl, pull up, get starting walking and all kinds of stuff. I love being with him. I love having our own little routine. I love having our time together. He is amazing. It's everything else I don't love-dishes, laundry, the end.

It is hard to explain but being away from school makes me feel like something is missing in me. I do not consider myself a workaholic, however, when I am not working for a couple of months I miss it. I miss being creative, having a routine, using my brain, interacting with a lot of different people.

As much as I have CHERISHED this time with my wonderful, perfect little guy, I have learned that I am just going to have to find a way to balance it and be content with it. I want to be alright with being a mom and wanting to work-I guess that is the biggest part. As a mom, I feel like I should want and love to stay at home. I have struggled with feeling guilty over not wanting this full time at home all the time. It makes me feel like I am hurting Bennett. But logically, I know I am not hurting him. He likes interacting with other people and will love getting to play at school all day At it makes our time together more special.

But it seems that dealing with the guilt is where my work is. I have to come to terms with the fact that it is just ME to want to work and enjoy it when I do...and somehow not feel guilty about that. But that's for another day. For now, I will relish in this 100% Bennett time.

9 Months

In close to a week and a half, Bennett will be 9 months old. CRAZY! I will say this time has been so much fun. Bennett's personality is shining bright! He is so happy and sweet, and awesome...he's started giving kisses now. I LOVE it! He laughs all the time and finds joy in pretty much everything.

And talk about moving...he is about to be getting going! He is about 2 seconds away from crawling. He can pretty much get to wherever he wants, it's just a little slower at this point because it is more of a scoot/drag than a crawl.

Some of the biggest joys in Bennett's life

• Greco doing anything
• Watching the garage door open and close
• Yo Gabba Gabba

Easter

I'll be honest, I always love getting the family together, but I am not into Easter really. By that I mean, Easter eggs and baskets and all that are not really my thing. I don't know why, because all the other holidays I get excited about. But Easter eggs and chocolate bunnies, well, I just don't get it. So I can't say that I took Bennett to a ton of Easter egg hunts and did all that stuff with him. But, I can say that it was still a good time.

He did attend a couple of Easter egg hunts. The first one, at my aunt's house, my big sister Misty took him around and hunted eggs with him and the second one, at Adam's Nana's house, he sat in my lap and chewed on a plastic egg. Perfect.

The best thing was that he got a new outfit which he looked beyond adorable in. I mean, just check him out. To. Die. For.

The Struggle

Still trying to deal with my sad feelings about being a full time, working mom. It's not that I mind the work-I love working, as it gives me fulfillment. However, I do have a pretty demanding job and I often feel like I lack the energy at the end of the day to really get all that I can out of my evenings.

Before Bennett came, I was just sure I would never want to be a stay at home mom. "I'll always want to work," I said. "I could never stay home full time." And then Bennett was here. And all of that changed. I never thought I would feel this way, but I really want to stay home. Here's the problem: that isn't in the cards for us. We are struggling to make it now, without me leaving work.

The biggest problem here is that I am having such a hard time dealing with this obvious truth. I want to just see things as they are and learn how to cope with it. But every morning as I pull out of the driveway, I have this feeling of "this isn't right. I shouldn't be here. I should be home waiting on my boy to wake up." I have got to be able to shake these feelings if I don't want to go crazy.

I know there are plenty of moms that work. And their kids are great. I get that. It's not about my feeling that Bennett will have something go wrong if I leave him in daycare. That's not it at all-heck, he's in the best daycare of all-the one at my school. It's more of my desire to be with him all day and teach him everything. It's for me.

I wish we were in a place financially where we could change things up. I REALLY wish that. It is so frustrating to me and oftentimes embarrassing to me to say "We can't afford that" or "We don't have the money for that." I HATE saying that!!! I want to be able to live comfortably, afford the fun things for Bennett, and not feel like I am in a constant save for the future/struggle in the now mode.

More than anything, I think, I'd like to accept things as they are now and learn how to be content in that situation. I think that, above all things, would make things easier for me.

6 Months

I am tired. I have no time to myself. I am constantly carrying around 20 pounds on my hip. I have to do things at warp speed during nap time. I get worn out, and then I look at this...

..and somehow it makes it all ok.

Bennett has been great from the beginning. But here lately, it is even better. His personality is in full swing! He laughs and squeals and yells and it is AWESOME! He keeps me rolling! I am not sure who makes the other laugh more.

He has learned to roll over. Actually, he learned that a while ago, but it took me weeks to see it for myself. Adam witnessed it first, and then the nursery worker at school. But me? Nope. He apparently wanted to keep me in suspense. Well, he kept that up for about 3 weeks. I would go in his room and find him on his belly, so I knew he was able, but just taking his time. Yesterday, he decided to grace me with his talent. It was awesome!

As if yesterday couldn't get any bigger, Bennett's first tooth also popped through the gum! Bottom, right! I almost cried. I would never have dreamed there would be a day where a tooth popping through an infant's gum would bring tears to my eyes.

Although he still wakes up through the night (he is learning how to sleep on his belly, since he rolls onto it every night) and gets a little gripey later on in the evening, he is so worth it. He has become his own little person and I am seriously loving watching every minute of it! He is AH-MAY-ZING!

The Other Man in my Life

I wanted to write about the other man in my life-not the little man Bennett...the big man, Adam. I always thought he'd make a good dad. He is so sweet and kind. When Bennett came, I will admit-I had this new nervousness about him. He was a man, and kind of unsure as to what to do with Bennett sometimes. It just made me nervous. But once the hormones settled and I was able to chill out a bit, my eyes were opened.

Adam is a king. Bennett is so lucky to have him as a dad, and I am so lucky to have him as my husband and my little guy's daddy. I never have any fear of how they are doing when they hang out together. He works so hard to meet all of Bennett's needs and really learn him. As much as it PAINS me to admit it, there have been a few times when Adam has known what to do, while I have been lost. It's also nice to raise Bennett with someone who is a little bit thicker skinned. A couple of times when Bennett has needed to gripe a little at bedtime, Adam has sat there with me while I sobbed and assured me that I am ok and still a good mom.

Adam comes in kisses Bennett, talks to him, holds him, and on and on. He cheers when he rolls over and gets excited at all the new things Bennett is learning to do. All the things a super dad does. I feel such love for both of them when they are together. I have a daddy who I am pretty sure walks on water and I am so happy Bennett will have the kind of dad he can feel that way about.

4 Month Check Up

Bennett had his four month check up yesterday-even though he will be 5 months next week. He's a big boy, so it seems. He weighed 18 lbs, and was 27 inches long. He is in the 85th percentile. He is in the 75th percentile for his 23 inch head. The doctor let us know that yes, he is a fat head. :o) Our doctor said he is "thriving", which made me one proud mama.

We were told that we could start experimenting with some foods, just to see how he likes them. We tried bananas. The first bite he ate and swallowed, no problem. The second was a little slower with a little nose crinkle. The third had a bigger nose crinkle. But it was just new to him-he seemed to like them. I am excited to introduce him to the world of food-I think he is going to love all the fun, yummies!

Bennett is doing so awesome! He laughs out loud, he can almost roll over from back to tummy, and he reaches out for stuff like crazy! Anything he can get a hold on goes rapidly to his mouth. And he is almost sleeping through the night. Currently, he sleeps from 8 pm- 7:30 am with one wake up between 12:00-1:00. But it's great because when he wakes up, he takes a bottle and then is right back to sleep. And since Adam gets the late shift, I have not been up with him in close to a week and a half. That means I have gotten a full nights sleep for a week and a half. It's glorious!

He is doing so great and I am loving all this personality he has. Watching him growing up is so much fun! Such a HUUUUUGGGEEE blessing!

Book Time and Cute Faces

I need to be going to bed because I am so tired, so I will make this short.

I am thinking about the book reading these past couple of nights. Bennett has made it even better-I did not know he could. He kind of sits up on my leg when we read, and usually looks at the book. But he has started looking up at me after each page with his mouth open and his eyes wide, as if it is the best book he's ever heard. I end up spending most of the reading time laughing rather loud.

I tell ya- I have always loved reading books, but that look I get up at me after each page makes it way more incredible than I ever dreamed it would be.

4 months...

I have a four month old! Wow! I will probably say that every month! :o)

Bennett is growing and growing. Well, every part of him but his hair, that is. That seems to have been scrubbed off by him or just generally falling out. But luckily he's handsome as a bald guy. :o)

Bennett is very active. He loves to lay on his changing table, play mat, or just on a blanket and kick. He's a strong kicker! He is very attentive now, moving his head quickly to follow you when you move. It used to take him a while to catch up to you when he turned his head. Not anymore! He whips that head around like crazy! And his latest trick-blowing spit bubbles. He is a drool machine!

My favorite part of the day is quickly becoming bedtime. Not just the quiet time in the house (although that's not too bad, I must say), but more so the pre-bedtime. Particularly book reading. On the nights when Adam is working late, I hold him and read to him. But when Adam is home, it gives me a new perspective. I sit and face the guys and read the book. This is the best. Bennett LOVES to read books. He will sit through them without getting antsy. I love getting to see his face. His eyes stay locked on the page. They scan back and forth, taking everything in. Sometimes he looks at me quickly as if to say, "Isn't this great, Mom?" Then back to looking at the book. It is so wonderful and cute!

On a rough note, I have been having a tough time lately with working and having Bennett. I hate leaving him. Granted, I am in the second best situation, with having him in the nursery at work and all, but some days I can't help but feel I should be at home with him. And on those days that Bennett wakes up at 4:00 in the morning and then goes back to bed, when I can't, I am exhausted. Exhaustion never helps me cope. I go to school and often I am the only one there beside the janitor. It is a lonely feeling, walking in to the school, day after day. But I feel like it is best for me to go on to work because it gives me a little time to get things accomplished, which I need. It is tough to know what to do.

The one thing I try to keep in mind always is Bennett's sweet face. He is so cute and wonderful. He just talks and squeals and blows spit bubbles. I know it won't always be this way. I will eventually get sleep. I will eventually have something steady. And things will eventually fall into place. Until then, I will just keep smooching on Bennett's chubby cheekers!

Better Day

It is amazing what some sleep will do for you! Actually, that is no surprise to me. I have always known I cannot handle many things on little sleep. But today I feel better. One, because I got sleep. And two, because Bennett did a great job last night!

We decided that maybe he would be better going to bed earlier instead of later. So, we put him to bed at 8:00. We also made sure that we picked a time we could commit to. So, 8:00 is it. We started at 7:00 with the bottle, bath, stories, etc. At 8, we swaddled him up and laid him down. He griped a little, but fell asleep on his own. He woke back up about 9:30, but Adam convinced me to let him be and cry for just a little. He fell back asleep in less than 5 minutes. He slept from 8 until 2...6 hours! At 2, he woke up and we decided to feed him. Adam fed him and laid him back down in his bed awake-and he fell right to sleep on his own without crying at all! He slept until 8 this morning. HOLY COW! 12 hours with only one quick wake up! I am ecstatic!

Even today has been great. He got up this morning very pleasant, ate and played for a while, then when it was time for his nap, I swaddled him and laid him down. He griped a bit, but fell asleep. When he woke up too early, I let him cry for a bit, and he was back out within a few minutes.

I guess this makes me so excited because it gives me confidence. I feel like I am doing to the right thing-and it is working. So much of the time, I feel confused. One book says one things, another says something else. I never know what to do. But now, I feel like I am on the right track! YAY!

I Just Feel Like Posting

I am not sure what I want to write about I should be cleaning or folding laundry or something while Bennett is napping, but GOOD GRACIOUS I am so sleepy! Bennett somehow forgot how to sleep more than three hours last night. He woke up at 1 am, 4 am, 7 am, then 10 am. At the 5:00 mark, I burst into tears and had to go wake Adam up for help, after I stood there and sobbed for about 5 minutes. I was just so tired and desperate to go back to sleep and here was Bennett at 5:00 am, just smiling up at me, wide eyed. Adam let me go back to bed and put Bennett to bed. Bennett had to gripe a little bit before he fell asleep.

I am feeling overwhelmed with all of the scheduling things. I have read Babywise and tried to follow it, but it doesn't seem to work. Then, if he sleeps for 30 minutes, what do I do? Get him up? Let him cry? Or go rock him back to sleep. I guess the hard part is that I feel like I am doing something wrong because he won't sleep through the night. Yeah, I know that babies are all different and he'll sleep when he's ready, blah, blah, blah. But that only works in my brain logically. It doesn't help me to not be frustrated though.

Parenting is Hard

These are the times that parenting is the hardest. I am tired, I don't feel well, and all I want to do is take a bath and go to bed. But I can't. I have a little boy to feed, bathe, and put to bed before I can do all of that for myself. I feel bad because I know I am supposed to be more happy about taking care of Bennett than myself-and 99.9% of the time, I am. But there is that small little bit when I would rather be worrying about myself. Does that sounds terrible? I am just so sleepy and am kind of missing those days where I did what I want, when I wanted, all the time.

Bennett has been great today-sweet as ever. But today is just one of those days, I guess.

3 months

As of yesterday, I have a 3 month old. I doesn't seem like 3 months have passed by. It's gone so fast and been so great! Bennett is beginning to reach for things. Although he still doesn't have great control over his arms, you can tell he knows things are there and swats at them. He now prefers to sit up on your leg, just to check out everything. He doesn't like to be tilted back unless it is time to eat. Sitting up is his choice now.

Unfortunately, he is still not sleeping through the night. Sometimes he'll wake up

once, sometimes twice or more. It is very unpredictable. He was doing great with going to sleep on his own, but then he got sick last Sunday with a cold. I have been rocking him to sleep the past nights. We'll get back on track soon, I know.

Bennett smiles like crazy now! I love it!!! I turn into mush when he lays that grin on me. I squeal and laugh like I have won the lottery-I guess, in a sense, I have. He is

definitely a charmer.

Motherhood has been amazing. I love being Bennett's mommy. It has not been easy, I will say. Adam works so much and I often feel left alone to do everything. And when

Bennett cries and I can't fix it, that is so hard for me. Trying to juggle everything-going to the store, going to the bank, laundry, dishes, work-on top of having a baby is so much...TOO much sometimes. Some days I get so angry that I am so overworked. But honestly, that all fades away when he lays that smile on me. I can't resist but fall in love all over again. He is amazing.

Check Up and Sleep

Bennett had his 2 month check up a few weeks ago. Our pediatrician, though describing him as a "hunk-o-baby," said he was right on track. He weighed 14 pounds 3 ounces. He has reached all of his milestones. Pretty much, he's perfect. One of the other things the doctor said was "Ya know, he is big enough to be able to sleep through the night." Then he gave me the game plan, which he said will have him sleeping through the night in just three nights.

Now I have heard of the cry it out method, and was not a fan. I thought it was basically putting your child in their crib and letting them cry until they fell asleep, even if that took hours. Once I realized that it was a tool to teach your child they could fall asleep on their own and that you could go back in every few minutes to comfort them, I was somewhat on board. And then Bennett started griping every time he needed to go to sleep, even if he was really tired. After a couple bouts of trying to rock and bounce to no avail, I finally just held him while he griped until he went to sleep. After those couple of times, I realized it would not be the end of the world if he cried a little bit when it was time to go to bed. Then I was totally on board. But in case it was terrible, I decided to wait until Christmas break to start.

Last night, we began. We fed him, bathed him, read him a book, then swaddled him and put him in his crib. He griped for less than 10 minutes. He didn't even cry. Since we are getting better about keeping him awake longer, he was ready to go to sleep. He pretty much went straight to bed. Tonight was the same. I am so excited. Though I was kind of ready to let him put himself to bed, I knew I would give in if he cried too much or too hard. I am so glad he went to sleep easily. Now I am guilt free.

Now, if I could only get him to sleep past 5 am ....

Work and Bennett

So it turns out that working was not as bad as I thought. The toughest part of it all, honestly is the mental battle I have with myself. It is so tough to work all day and come home and keep going, taking care of a baby. Especially when I have always been used to coming home, eating and sitting down to read. It's hard. But I try to take time every day to just look at his sweet face-it truly does make it worth it.

I think I have written about this before, but I am in a new school this year. One of the awesome things they built in the new school is a nursery. This means that Bennett gets to be at school with me everyday. I knew going into it that it would be pretty cool, but it is even better than I thought. I get to go down there and have lunch with him. I get to hold him and kiss his chubby cheekers. And if he is asleep, I'll love on one of my friends' babies who are there. It really is working out great!

Although I am tired and mentally worn out, I am enjoying being back at work. I feel more refreshed and excited to be there. I feel like I have something that is mine again. I think I would have been happy continuing on in the stay at home mom direction, but this is still great for me and I am glad to be back at work. It is going great!

A Few Pics of My Little Man

2 Months and Work (Bleck!)

Well, the time has arrived... 8 weeks have gone by and I am returning to work tomorrow. It is not that I am not happy to go back and see my friends, my students, and to get back into some sort of a structure-I am. But I am so sad to be away from Bennett. The longest I have been away from him since he was born is maybe 3 hours. He is just so much a part of me, that to be away from him all day will be a huge adjustment. On a happy note, since I only work 2 days this week, Mom agreed to keep him. Since Adam will be off work tomorrow, Adam will keep him Monday and Mom has him Tuesday. And then the tough part comes-the following week he goes to infant care. That day will be hard too.

On a brighter note, Bennett is doing great! He is almost 2 months old! It is crazy! He is SO FREAKIN' CUTE, I can't stand it sometimes! He has been making a lot more noises lately. Some of his happy noises just make me melt! He likes sitting in his swing and his bouncy seat and will often sit there for quite a long time. It gives us time to hang out and chat. He enjoys the bath tub. He kicks his legs and flaps his arms a lot and I love it! I am very excited for his first Thanksgiving and Christmas-the holidays are going to be so much fun!

Even though I am bummed about going to work, I am so happy that is he growing up and being a sweet, cute boy. He is literally a huge light in my life. I love every moment with him He is one of the biggest blessings in my life!

1 Month

It is awesome that Bennett is one month old! It does not seem anywhere near one month since he got here. Of course, that could be because, being awake at odd hours of the night seems to make my days just run into each other.

Bennett is doing awesome. He is more alert, more often. He likes to stare at my face, which I love. It works out because I love to stare at his face. He is breathtaking. He has recently discovered a painting on his wall of the ABC's and stares at them while he is being changed. He is a good sleeper and eater and just generally a good baby.

I have 2 weeks until I return to work and I will say, I am dreading it. I would love to take longer if I could. Even though he will be at the nursery at school with me, I am still nervous about leaving him there in the care of someone else who isn't my family. I some how feel like I am doing him an injustice. But I know it will be ok. I know it will get better as time goes on.

As I have said before, mother hood is even better than I expected. It may sound weird, but I love the little stuff like feeding him, bathing him, and putting on his clothes. He is such a dream and I feel like the luckiest person ever to have him in my life.

Thoughts on Motherhood

Doubts, fears, insecurities, anxieties-you name it, I probably had it about motherhood. I was afraid I would not bond with Bennett. I was scared of the hospital. I was nervous about leaving work. I was worried I wouldn't know what to do with a newborn. I was flat out, just scared about everything imaginable.

And then, at 6:22 on September 27th, all of that went away. And since that day, it has been pushed further and further back. I cannot believe that I spent all that time beforehand being so worked up. Things have gone even better than I could have imagined. Bennett is gorgeous and perfect. And mommyhood is something I am enjoying WAY better than I thought I would. I just look at him everyday and I think about how great things are. He is so sweet and I just love wrapping him up in my arms and snuggling him tight to me. I love to make him stop crying and listening to his little squeaky noises.

My labor was rough-long day, no sleep, lots of pain. But I would do it again in an INSTANT for this little guy. He is now my world and I cherish him more than I knew I could.