Kickin' It

Every once in a while in the last week I would feel a flutter that I thought might be Bennett kicking. I wasn't sure though, as it wasn't too strong or consistent. And then last Friday, during a meeting at lunch, I felt it like crazy! I knew it had to be him kicking. It was as if one day he suddenly woke up! I know he's been moving for a while and that I have just not been able to feel it, but it was so sudden, it felt as if he had recently gotten the hang of it or something.

I will admit, the first time I felt it, it was pretty scary. Not the kicking itself, but the thoughts it brought to my mind. I have blogged before about how I have not found this journey as seamless and euphoric as I had thought I would. This kind of went with that. Feeling him move made it feel even more real, which brought about the feelings of "OH Lord, this is REAL." A double edge, if you will. It brings more happiness because it feels real, but even more fear because of it being real, if that makes sense.

I guess motherhood is something that I am entering into on faith. It is one of the first times in my life where I am scared out of my mind for how things will be-adjustments, difficulties, etc- but I am trusting. I know that I am scared now, but I have faith that it will be ok in the end. These feelings of fear won't always be here. And while they are here, I am learning to cope and be honest with myself and just keep reminding myself that it will all work out fine in the end. That gives me peace.