This Summer

A couple of posts ago, I was sharing my feelings about being a working mom. It was really a struggle for me, as all I wanted to do was stay at home with Bennett. I thought that I would be able to give up work so easily. I was elated for summer to come and get to be a stay at home mom-what I had wanted for so long. So you can imagine my surprise when I had what I wanted...and didn't like it.

I guess I should rephrase- I LOVE being home with Bennett and getting to see all he has done this summer. I have gotten to see him crawl, pull up, get starting walking and all kinds of stuff. I love being with him. I love having our own little routine. I love having our time together. He is amazing. It's everything else I don't love-dishes, laundry, the end.

It is hard to explain but being away from school makes me feel like something is missing in me. I do not consider myself a workaholic, however, when I am not working for a couple of months I miss it. I miss being creative, having a routine, using my brain, interacting with a lot of different people.

As much as I have CHERISHED this time with my wonderful, perfect little guy, I have learned that I am just going to have to find a way to balance it and be content with it. I want to be alright with being a mom and wanting to work-I guess that is the biggest part. As a mom, I feel like I should want and love to stay at home. I have struggled with feeling guilty over not wanting this full time at home all the time. It makes me feel like I am hurting Bennett. But logically, I know I am not hurting him. He likes interacting with other people and will love getting to play at school all day At it makes our time together more special.

But it seems that dealing with the guilt is where my work is. I have to come to terms with the fact that it is just ME to want to work and enjoy it when I do...and somehow not feel guilty about that. But that's for another day. For now, I will relish in this 100% Bennett time.

The Struggle

Still trying to deal with my sad feelings about being a full time, working mom. It's not that I mind the work-I love working, as it gives me fulfillment. However, I do have a pretty demanding job and I often feel like I lack the energy at the end of the day to really get all that I can out of my evenings.

Before Bennett came, I was just sure I would never want to be a stay at home mom. "I'll always want to work," I said. "I could never stay home full time." And then Bennett was here. And all of that changed. I never thought I would feel this way, but I really want to stay home. Here's the problem: that isn't in the cards for us. We are struggling to make it now, without me leaving work.

The biggest problem here is that I am having such a hard time dealing with this obvious truth. I want to just see things as they are and learn how to cope with it. But every morning as I pull out of the driveway, I have this feeling of "this isn't right. I shouldn't be here. I should be home waiting on my boy to wake up." I have got to be able to shake these feelings if I don't want to go crazy.

I know there are plenty of moms that work. And their kids are great. I get that. It's not about my feeling that Bennett will have something go wrong if I leave him in daycare. That's not it at all-heck, he's in the best daycare of all-the one at my school. It's more of my desire to be with him all day and teach him everything. It's for me.

I wish we were in a place financially where we could change things up. I REALLY wish that. It is so frustrating to me and oftentimes embarrassing to me to say "We can't afford that" or "We don't have the money for that." I HATE saying that!!! I want to be able to live comfortably, afford the fun things for Bennett, and not feel like I am in a constant save for the future/struggle in the now mode.

More than anything, I think, I'd like to accept things as they are now and learn how to be content in that situation. I think that, above all things, would make things easier for me.

Work and Bennett

So it turns out that working was not as bad as I thought. The toughest part of it all, honestly is the mental battle I have with myself. It is so tough to work all day and come home and keep going, taking care of a baby. Especially when I have always been used to coming home, eating and sitting down to read. It's hard. But I try to take time every day to just look at his sweet face-it truly does make it worth it.

I think I have written about this before, but I am in a new school this year. One of the awesome things they built in the new school is a nursery. This means that Bennett gets to be at school with me everyday. I knew going into it that it would be pretty cool, but it is even better than I thought. I get to go down there and have lunch with him. I get to hold him and kiss his chubby cheekers. And if he is asleep, I'll love on one of my friends' babies who are there. It really is working out great!

Although I am tired and mentally worn out, I am enjoying being back at work. I feel more refreshed and excited to be there. I feel like I have something that is mine again. I think I would have been happy continuing on in the stay at home mom direction, but this is still great for me and I am glad to be back at work. It is going great!

2 Months and Work (Bleck!)

Well, the time has arrived... 8 weeks have gone by and I am returning to work tomorrow. It is not that I am not happy to go back and see my friends, my students, and to get back into some sort of a structure-I am. But I am so sad to be away from Bennett. The longest I have been away from him since he was born is maybe 3 hours. He is just so much a part of me, that to be away from him all day will be a huge adjustment. On a happy note, since I only work 2 days this week, Mom agreed to keep him. Since Adam will be off work tomorrow, Adam will keep him Monday and Mom has him Tuesday. And then the tough part comes-the following week he goes to infant care. That day will be hard too.

On a brighter note, Bennett is doing great! He is almost 2 months old! It is crazy! He is SO FREAKIN' CUTE, I can't stand it sometimes! He has been making a lot more noises lately. Some of his happy noises just make me melt! He likes sitting in his swing and his bouncy seat and will often sit there for quite a long time. It gives us time to hang out and chat. He enjoys the bath tub. He kicks his legs and flaps his arms a lot and I love it! I am very excited for his first Thanksgiving and Christmas-the holidays are going to be so much fun!

Even though I am bummed about going to work, I am so happy that is he growing up and being a sweet, cute boy. He is literally a huge light in my life. I love every moment with him He is one of the biggest blessings in my life!