The Struggle

Still trying to deal with my sad feelings about being a full time, working mom. It's not that I mind the work-I love working, as it gives me fulfillment. However, I do have a pretty demanding job and I often feel like I lack the energy at the end of the day to really get all that I can out of my evenings.

Before Bennett came, I was just sure I would never want to be a stay at home mom. "I'll always want to work," I said. "I could never stay home full time." And then Bennett was here. And all of that changed. I never thought I would feel this way, but I really want to stay home. Here's the problem: that isn't in the cards for us. We are struggling to make it now, without me leaving work.

The biggest problem here is that I am having such a hard time dealing with this obvious truth. I want to just see things as they are and learn how to cope with it. But every morning as I pull out of the driveway, I have this feeling of "this isn't right. I shouldn't be here. I should be home waiting on my boy to wake up." I have got to be able to shake these feelings if I don't want to go crazy.

I know there are plenty of moms that work. And their kids are great. I get that. It's not about my feeling that Bennett will have something go wrong if I leave him in daycare. That's not it at all-heck, he's in the best daycare of all-the one at my school. It's more of my desire to be with him all day and teach him everything. It's for me.

I wish we were in a place financially where we could change things up. I REALLY wish that. It is so frustrating to me and oftentimes embarrassing to me to say "We can't afford that" or "We don't have the money for that." I HATE saying that!!! I want to be able to live comfortably, afford the fun things for Bennett, and not feel like I am in a constant save for the future/struggle in the now mode.

More than anything, I think, I'd like to accept things as they are now and learn how to be content in that situation. I think that, above all things, would make things easier for me.

6 Months

I am tired. I have no time to myself. I am constantly carrying around 20 pounds on my hip. I have to do things at warp speed during nap time. I get worn out, and then I look at this...

..and somehow it makes it all ok.

Bennett has been great from the beginning. But here lately, it is even better. His personality is in full swing! He laughs and squeals and yells and it is AWESOME! He keeps me rolling! I am not sure who makes the other laugh more.

He has learned to roll over. Actually, he learned that a while ago, but it took me weeks to see it for myself. Adam witnessed it first, and then the nursery worker at school. But me? Nope. He apparently wanted to keep me in suspense. Well, he kept that up for about 3 weeks. I would go in his room and find him on his belly, so I knew he was able, but just taking his time. Yesterday, he decided to grace me with his talent. It was awesome!

As if yesterday couldn't get any bigger, Bennett's first tooth also popped through the gum! Bottom, right! I almost cried. I would never have dreamed there would be a day where a tooth popping through an infant's gum would bring tears to my eyes.

Although he still wakes up through the night (he is learning how to sleep on his belly, since he rolls onto it every night) and gets a little gripey later on in the evening, he is so worth it. He has become his own little person and I am seriously loving watching every minute of it! He is AH-MAY-ZING!

The Other Man in my Life

I wanted to write about the other man in my life-not the little man Bennett...the big man, Adam. I always thought he'd make a good dad. He is so sweet and kind. When Bennett came, I will admit-I had this new nervousness about him. He was a man, and kind of unsure as to what to do with Bennett sometimes. It just made me nervous. But once the hormones settled and I was able to chill out a bit, my eyes were opened.

Adam is a king. Bennett is so lucky to have him as a dad, and I am so lucky to have him as my husband and my little guy's daddy. I never have any fear of how they are doing when they hang out together. He works so hard to meet all of Bennett's needs and really learn him. As much as it PAINS me to admit it, there have been a few times when Adam has known what to do, while I have been lost. It's also nice to raise Bennett with someone who is a little bit thicker skinned. A couple of times when Bennett has needed to gripe a little at bedtime, Adam has sat there with me while I sobbed and assured me that I am ok and still a good mom.

Adam comes in kisses Bennett, talks to him, holds him, and on and on. He cheers when he rolls over and gets excited at all the new things Bennett is learning to do. All the things a super dad does. I feel such love for both of them when they are together. I have a daddy who I am pretty sure walks on water and I am so happy Bennett will have the kind of dad he can feel that way about.

4 Month Check Up

Bennett had his four month check up yesterday-even though he will be 5 months next week. He's a big boy, so it seems. He weighed 18 lbs, and was 27 inches long. He is in the 85th percentile. He is in the 75th percentile for his 23 inch head. The doctor let us know that yes, he is a fat head. :o) Our doctor said he is "thriving", which made me one proud mama.

We were told that we could start experimenting with some foods, just to see how he likes them. We tried bananas. The first bite he ate and swallowed, no problem. The second was a little slower with a little nose crinkle. The third had a bigger nose crinkle. But it was just new to him-he seemed to like them. I am excited to introduce him to the world of food-I think he is going to love all the fun, yummies!

Bennett is doing so awesome! He laughs out loud, he can almost roll over from back to tummy, and he reaches out for stuff like crazy! Anything he can get a hold on goes rapidly to his mouth. And he is almost sleeping through the night. Currently, he sleeps from 8 pm- 7:30 am with one wake up between 12:00-1:00. But it's great because when he wakes up, he takes a bottle and then is right back to sleep. And since Adam gets the late shift, I have not been up with him in close to a week and a half. That means I have gotten a full nights sleep for a week and a half. It's glorious!

He is doing so great and I am loving all this personality he has. Watching him growing up is so much fun! Such a HUUUUUGGGEEE blessing!

Book Time and Cute Faces

I need to be going to bed because I am so tired, so I will make this short.

I am thinking about the book reading these past couple of nights. Bennett has made it even better-I did not know he could. He kind of sits up on my leg when we read, and usually looks at the book. But he has started looking up at me after each page with his mouth open and his eyes wide, as if it is the best book he's ever heard. I end up spending most of the reading time laughing rather loud.

I tell ya- I have always loved reading books, but that look I get up at me after each page makes it way more incredible than I ever dreamed it would be.

4 months...

I have a four month old! Wow! I will probably say that every month! :o)

Bennett is growing and growing. Well, every part of him but his hair, that is. That seems to have been scrubbed off by him or just generally falling out. But luckily he's handsome as a bald guy. :o)

Bennett is very active. He loves to lay on his changing table, play mat, or just on a blanket and kick. He's a strong kicker! He is very attentive now, moving his head quickly to follow you when you move. It used to take him a while to catch up to you when he turned his head. Not anymore! He whips that head around like crazy! And his latest trick-blowing spit bubbles. He is a drool machine!

My favorite part of the day is quickly becoming bedtime. Not just the quiet time in the house (although that's not too bad, I must say), but more so the pre-bedtime. Particularly book reading. On the nights when Adam is working late, I hold him and read to him. But when Adam is home, it gives me a new perspective. I sit and face the guys and read the book. This is the best. Bennett LOVES to read books. He will sit through them without getting antsy. I love getting to see his face. His eyes stay locked on the page. They scan back and forth, taking everything in. Sometimes he looks at me quickly as if to say, "Isn't this great, Mom?" Then back to looking at the book. It is so wonderful and cute!

On a rough note, I have been having a tough time lately with working and having Bennett. I hate leaving him. Granted, I am in the second best situation, with having him in the nursery at work and all, but some days I can't help but feel I should be at home with him. And on those days that Bennett wakes up at 4:00 in the morning and then goes back to bed, when I can't, I am exhausted. Exhaustion never helps me cope. I go to school and often I am the only one there beside the janitor. It is a lonely feeling, walking in to the school, day after day. But I feel like it is best for me to go on to work because it gives me a little time to get things accomplished, which I need. It is tough to know what to do.

The one thing I try to keep in mind always is Bennett's sweet face. He is so cute and wonderful. He just talks and squeals and blows spit bubbles. I know it won't always be this way. I will eventually get sleep. I will eventually have something steady. And things will eventually fall into place. Until then, I will just keep smooching on Bennett's chubby cheekers!

Better Day

It is amazing what some sleep will do for you! Actually, that is no surprise to me. I have always known I cannot handle many things on little sleep. But today I feel better. One, because I got sleep. And two, because Bennett did a great job last night!

We decided that maybe he would be better going to bed earlier instead of later. So, we put him to bed at 8:00. We also made sure that we picked a time we could commit to. So, 8:00 is it. We started at 7:00 with the bottle, bath, stories, etc. At 8, we swaddled him up and laid him down. He griped a little, but fell asleep on his own. He woke back up about 9:30, but Adam convinced me to let him be and cry for just a little. He fell back asleep in less than 5 minutes. He slept from 8 until 2...6 hours! At 2, he woke up and we decided to feed him. Adam fed him and laid him back down in his bed awake-and he fell right to sleep on his own without crying at all! He slept until 8 this morning. HOLY COW! 12 hours with only one quick wake up! I am ecstatic!

Even today has been great. He got up this morning very pleasant, ate and played for a while, then when it was time for his nap, I swaddled him and laid him down. He griped a bit, but fell asleep. When he woke up too early, I let him cry for a bit, and he was back out within a few minutes.

I guess this makes me so excited because it gives me confidence. I feel like I am doing to the right thing-and it is working. So much of the time, I feel confused. One book says one things, another says something else. I never know what to do. But now, I feel like I am on the right track! YAY!