The Struggle

Still trying to deal with my sad feelings about being a full time, working mom. It's not that I mind the work-I love working, as it gives me fulfillment. However, I do have a pretty demanding job and I often feel like I lack the energy at the end of the day to really get all that I can out of my evenings.

Before Bennett came, I was just sure I would never want to be a stay at home mom. "I'll always want to work," I said. "I could never stay home full time." And then Bennett was here. And all of that changed. I never thought I would feel this way, but I really want to stay home. Here's the problem: that isn't in the cards for us. We are struggling to make it now, without me leaving work.

The biggest problem here is that I am having such a hard time dealing with this obvious truth. I want to just see things as they are and learn how to cope with it. But every morning as I pull out of the driveway, I have this feeling of "this isn't right. I shouldn't be here. I should be home waiting on my boy to wake up." I have got to be able to shake these feelings if I don't want to go crazy.

I know there are plenty of moms that work. And their kids are great. I get that. It's not about my feeling that Bennett will have something go wrong if I leave him in daycare. That's not it at all-heck, he's in the best daycare of all-the one at my school. It's more of my desire to be with him all day and teach him everything. It's for me.

I wish we were in a place financially where we could change things up. I REALLY wish that. It is so frustrating to me and oftentimes embarrassing to me to say "We can't afford that" or "We don't have the money for that." I HATE saying that!!! I want to be able to live comfortably, afford the fun things for Bennett, and not feel like I am in a constant save for the future/struggle in the now mode.

More than anything, I think, I'd like to accept things as they are now and learn how to be content in that situation. I think that, above all things, would make things easier for me.