Tuesday, July 5, 2011

This Summer

A couple of posts ago, I was sharing my feelings about being a working mom. It was really a struggle for me, as all I wanted to do was stay at home with Bennett. I thought that I would be able to give up work so easily. I was elated for summer to come and get to be a stay at home mom-what I had wanted for so long. So you can imagine my surprise when I had what I wanted...and didn't like it.
I guess I should rephrase- I LOVE being home with Bennett and getting to see all he has done this summer. I have gotten to see him crawl, pull up, get starting walking and all kinds of stuff. I love being with him. I love having our own little routine. I love having our time together. He is amazing. It's everything else I don't love-dishes, laundry, the end.

It is hard to explain but being away from school makes me feel like something is missing in me. I do not consider myself a workaholic, however, when I am not working for a couple of months I miss it. I miss being creative, having a routine, using my brain, interacting with a lot of different people.

As much as I have CHERISHED this time with my wonderful, perfect little guy, I have learned that I am just going to have to find a way to balance it and be content with it. I want to be alright with being a mom and wanting to work-I guess that is the biggest part. As a mom, I feel like I should want and love to stay at home. I have struggled with feeling guilty over not wanting this full time at home all the time. It makes me feel like I am hurting Bennett. But logically, I know I am not hurting him. He likes interacting with other people and will love getting to play at school all day At it makes our time together more special.

But it seems that dealing with the guilt is where my work is. I have to come to terms with the fact that it is just ME to want to work and enjoy it when I do...and somehow not feel guilty about that. But that's for another day. For now, I will relish in this 100% Bennett time.